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Dear papa

I really miss u alot tdy. Ive been making ppl upset. I cant do things right. Im terrible. I suck at changing. Im selfish. Im srry i cldnt make e illness go away. Im srry i can only upset ppl. Im srry i cant be more useful. Im srry i cldnt pray for u. Im srry. Im so srry.


it’s 1.30 n i’m on meds. meaning i’m HIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

feels like gd ol hall days again.

i think sagas are gd for my life,

keeps my reality in check

n reminds me that i’m nt as self righteous as i thought i was.

that even the closest to me have different ways of dealing with drama.

maybe it’s all the self justification tt’s keeping me sane.

tt i wldnt mind leaving ppl to make my life feel better

all in the name of self preservation.

and maybe tt’s why i’m so afriad of ppl leaving me too. 

it’s a tit for a tat kind of thing.

maybe i have a strict policy about ppl screwing up my life

and the foundation was pretty laid down when i was in my teenage years.

that thou shall not screw up my life with urs. tt staying with ppl who hurt is a thankless job.

because i’ve seen ppl suffer staying on with partners that dont fit, or friends that dont care as much

and then they complain to me. how miserable they are. but they just refuse to leave. they’d rather stay n suffer and complain.

and i guess that’s all to my rant

that there was no wrong or right to what i did. 

maybe on all accounts of loyalty and friendship. i would have failed terribly

that the feeling i’m going through now is just e by products of guilt and values gone down the drain.

but i never regret what i did and i wld do it again even if it hurts a thousand times over.

gd night buddy. 

gd bye.


so what

so what if i asked u four times if u were staying in australia

have u ever thought that i was just concerned that there might be another possibility that u would stay in australia

because when u left 2 years ago u said that u were not sure how this rs might go n u might end up working in australia

and when i was so sure u wld come back this year to be nxt to me to at least give me moral support for what is at home

u called me and said that u got this BONUS job opportunity

n then my world crashed. because i was so damn sure u wouldnt stay because i knew u did not want to work there

and i was proven wrong. in my face.

did u know? did u fucking know?t

u dont know how devastating that news was to me. that after hearing u assure me that it’s just a few more months  to it’s another 12 months.

after saying that u’ll come home soon to face this tgt with me that u had to postpone that promise.

so couldnt u assure me a few more times that i was over thinking instead of thinking that i was out to force u to say that u wanted to stay.

how much can u love me if u had no patience to reassure me that my fears are unfounded.

so what if i asked u 4 times

and i didn’t even ask u the question 4 times with the same intention.

and u killed me.

so much for i love u.

finer things in life

maybe i shld be content

to be stuck here as i am

that dreams shld remain dreams

n money will always be a constrain

backpacking is for the rich

for those who don’t have commitments

for those who can let go and not care

i thought i cld

but in the end i just can’t paint anything better than this






until we try

i dont know 

if we wldve been tgt had we not met on skype

if we wldve stayed tgt had it not started out with the long distance

if we wldve worked out had it been more than 3 years

if we wld work out when we are back

if 2017 is possible

i don’t know 

but we wldn’t know, wont we.













it’s nobody’s fault that i can’t chase lights or travel the world for now

yet i’m just depressed that i cant

but it’s nobody’s fault

our lives are still ours to spend.

it’s day 3. and i just hate this =(







i never needed to account my feelings to anyone. 

i shared but i was never accountable for them

i didn’t have to think about why i was feeling that way.

i just shared how i felt. not why.

and that was my 23 years of singlehood

ranting on blogs and other social media

fucking ppl and stabbing ppl with words behind that shield

that had been my life.

in a way it has become a disability

the inability to express why i was feeling or behaving this way

i take twice the amt of time to figure out

and that is only after i let go of all e emotions that were clouding my friggin head

n maybe by then. it’s too late.